Joke Thread as promised

[crocmommy]

Like magic, this joke was sent to me this morning....

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb
making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
his ass.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "That cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you
one wish. "

I said, "No shit?"

Verified by Brian Williams NBC anchor news, he was there when it happened

[millergrovesue]

[crocmommy]

That is a political joke we can all appreciate....

[Sangersteve]

A ragged looking homeless guy walks into a bar and plops down between two yuppy types, he orders a beer. The two yuppies look him up and down and express their dismay with looks of disgust with each other.

Suddenly the odor of rotten food, mixed with ammonia,and road kill just engulfs them. They look at the guy "My goodness man have you soiled yourself? "

To which the bum replies "Yup"

One of them says "Why don't you go to the restroom and clean up?"

And the homeless guy says.
















"Haven't finished yet"

[millergrovesue]

Where's a vomit emoticon when ya need one?

[GFB]

In mid December one year, 3 guys simultaneously show up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter greets them and says.."at this time of year we ask that entrants bring along something that will remind us of Christmas.

The first guy reaches in to his pocket..pulls out his car keys, and shakes them rapidly.

St Peter says.."where's the Christmas in there?"

The man answers.."it sounds like jingle bells."

"Oh, ok..you can come in."

The second man pulls out his lighter and says.."look, it's like a Christmas candle."

"Ok, I guess that'll do."

St. Peter looks at the third guy..and says.."ok, make this good!"

The third guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of woman's panties.

"Ok now wait a minute..what's up with that?"


"These are Carols!"

[millergrovesue]

Grrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn.

[BillB]

An Italian, a Mexican, and an American were all standing on a bridge. They decided to through off something that their country has too much of. The Italian threw off pasta, the Mexican threw off rice, and the American threw off the Mexican.

[Jim Jack]

Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

[GFB]

A man walks into a bar with a Crocodile under his arm.

He has a few drinks..then slams the crocodile on the bar, and prys open it's mouth.

He unzips his fly, and puts "himself" in the crocodile's mouth.

Then, while in the crocodile's mouth..he begins to count..

10.....9......8......7....6.....5....4....3....2....1..

He then withdraws..zips up his fly and yells out.."ok, anyone here want to try that?"

A little voice from the back answers.."Well, jeez..I'd like to try..but I don't know if I can keep my jaws open that long!"

[jellowrestling]

Three recent college graduates go on a bender in a small town in a foreign country. They get carried away with their antics and accidentally kill a young girl. They are quickly brought to trial, found guilty, and given the death penalty.

When the first young man is nervously led to the electric chair, they ask him if he has any last words. He says, "Well, first, I am really sorry for my actions. I just graduated from Baylor University in pre-med and have been accepted to med school. If you will let me live, I will come back here after getting my medical license and devote myself to improving the health of all the town's people." Sorry, the judge says, and pulls the lever. Nothing happened. The people say, "This is the will of God!!!", and they tell the young man he is free to go.

The second terrified young man is asked for any final words, and says, "I am very sorry for what I have done. But, I have just graduated from the University of Texas, pre-dentistry, and have been accepted to dental school. I you let me live, I will come back after I get my dental license and devote myself to helping improve the dental health of the people of this town." Judge says no to this request as well, and the lever is pulled. Again, nothing happens. The people are very excited and declare that a miracle has happened again, and the young man is set free.

The third young man is led to the chair and is asked if he has any last words. He calmly replies, "I have just graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in electrical engineering, and if you will switch the green wire with the red wire...."

[crocmommy]

It's Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently.

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

[Red Oak]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Nancy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My uh private.... my uh .... little Goldstein died today, and I
am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his member hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Nancy. "Mr. Goldstein,"
she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your
private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Nancy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well", he replied, "today's the viewing."

[millergrovesue]