New exercise routine

[LibraryLady]

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular

workout routine.



Dear Diary:

For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of personal training at

the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football

cheerleader

43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model

for athletic

clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to

get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it

was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for

me.

He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling

white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class

after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my

sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he

was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

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TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he

put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made

the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's

a whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on

the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or

stop.

I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with

me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a

little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this

nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would

help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some othercrap too.

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THURSDAY: Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed

as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being

a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work

out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He

sent some skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me
on the rowing

machine -- which I sank.

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FRIDAY: I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated

any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could

move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo
wanted me to

work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand

me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The

treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why

couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

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SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice

made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the

strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours

of the Weather Channel..

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SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go

and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a

hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have

sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!